Sunday, June 26, 2011

Who I am...

I served at FishFest in Irvine, California yesterday and was asked by two companies to post my testimony to their websites, which got me to thinking about WHO I am. Please read below.

*I am a three time suicide Survivor
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*I am a Survivor of rape, incest and molestation
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*I am a Survivor of physical domestic abuse/violence.
(verbal and emotional abuse won't end until I move out)
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These things do not define me as a person, nor as a woman:
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Positive words that have been used to define or describe me: Strong, Intelligent, Funny, Loving, Friendly, Helpful, Courageous.
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Unkind words that have been used to describe me (mostly by the man I am married to):
bitch, slut, whore, attention whore. He resorts to these names during fights. And, thinks it's ok, or will say that he never called me those names. Maybe next time, I'll record a fight so he can deny the name calling.
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I thank God that I have the strength and grace to rise above the name calling, knowing that I am none of those vile, disgusting names. And that a man could ever call a woman those name, especially one he is married to, is just an all-around sad situation.
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So, I am setting up an 'escape plan'. I am looking for a job and as soon as I find one and get back on my feet financially, I will be moving out. Or, since he no longer wants to live here, I will speak to the owner and see what I can work out with him.
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And I know that my soon-to-be-ex husband is probably monitoring my blog, but that's fine. I have nothing to hide.
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Until another time, Peace out!

Friday, June 10, 2011

So....

He informed me last night that he will not be filing for divorce. I guess it doesn't matter what I want. He's the one who said he wanted the divorce. I told him there was NO going back. I meant it. Just because he's decided to make changes almost 2 years later, that's doesn't change my mind in the whole situation. If he won't file, then i will when I start working , move out and can afford to file. I have dreams of my own that I want to pursue and I won't allow anyone to hold me back or put me down any longer.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Things that make you go, hmmmm....

Ok, so he came home from the men's retreat and we started fighting. I told him that calling me a WHORE was unacceptable. He said he didn't call me a whore. I told him that whether it was a sexual whore or an attention whore, a whore is a whore and I'm neither of those. I refuse to be in a relationship like this anymore! He may not be physically abusing me, but verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad, if not worse. And what's funny is that he can start it, but as soon as I begin to respond, he says HE's not doing this and retreats to the garage. He can dish it out but he can't take it. I'm not going to just sit back and let him treat me like crap.
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He also paid for the oil to be changed in my car since he no longer wants to do it for me. He is also helped me out of a financial bind. Now I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whenever he does something for me, there are always hidden strings attached. When he helps me, if he wants something later and I say no, then I get the, 'I did this, I did that for you'. That's why I don't ask him to do anything for me anymore.
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Oh, and he’s been listening to this marriage series thru Horizon Church in San Diego, California. I've been listening with him and it's quite interesting. But if he thinks that him listening to them and changing his attitude and behavior now is going to keep me from still wanting the divorce, he is sadly mistaken. I told him in 2009 when he said that he wanted the divorce that he'd better be sure it what he wants, because there was NO going back. I still feel the same way almost 2 years later.
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I had an appointment with the Department of Rehab on June 1st and since I am considered permanently disabled, I qualify for job placement or education services. I am hoping that they can pay for college so that I can at least get my A.A. in business. And hopefully it'll come with some money every month. If it's enough to get caught up on bills, I will move out...even if I have to rent a room from someone.
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Below are two of my favorite quotes lately:
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"Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Live the life you imagined." ~Henry David Thoreau
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My marriage is the past. I am looking forward to the future and what new adventures I can find.
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"How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours." ~Wayne Dyer~
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I am going to no longer react when the ex (yes, I can him the ex even though no papers have been filed) begins a fight and gets hurtful. I will rise above it and take the high road. The attitude will be all on him.